Markovian Govt Stable!
No Coups in 6 Months!

by Joan Lincoln - Gotham City

Its capitol city has been launched into space by the Millennium Giants. Its government has been toppled twice by Baron Bedlam, once by the Psycho Pirate, and once by the vampire known only as Roderick. The Manhunters nearly killed the entire royal family.

For Markovia, a tiny country nestled between Switzerland and Italy, the past decade has been a tumultuous one. However, due to the recent arrests of two Americans, Markovia's misfortunes may be changing.

Tipped off by an anonymous caller, FBI agents searched the home of Mike W. Barr, an employee of the M.A.Z.E. Agency, and found evidence linking him to all of the Markovian coups. Acting on correspondence found in Barr's possession, police immediately issued an arrest warrant for Jim Aparo, a current resident of Gotham City. After eluding Gotham's finest for two days, Aparo was hand delivered to police headquarters by the Batman.

Barr and Aparo, allegedly the creators and instigators of Markovia's troubles, are currently being held without bail at Belle Reeve penitentiary. The exact methods used by the two men to influence the history and happenings in Markovia remain a mystery to the FBI. However, both are cooperating with investigators.

According to an FBI statement, Barr is the alleged mastermind behind the coup attempts. He would plot out his nefarious ideas and then send them to Aparo, who was charged with "fleshing the plans out" and making them "come to life."

Based on Barr's confessions, arrest warrants have also been issued for Adrienne Roy and Kevin Dooley. Roy, whose current whereabouts are unknown, is purported to have "added color to the whole operation." The exact meanings of Barr's cryptic comments have yet to be deciphered by the FBI. It is clear, however, that fellow conspirator Kevin Dooley only played a role in the most recent Markovian troubles. Barr alleges that Dooley "helped us iron out some of the problems with Roderick the vampire." Dooley is also thought to have played a role in the Coast City disaster from a few years ago.

Through his lawyer, Ms. Bikini Luv, Aparo has acknowledged his role in the events involving Baron Bedlam and the Manhunters, but he has steadfastly denied playing a part in the others. He also issued a cryptic statement to the press, saying, "I never realized it, but when I drew myself into 'The Brave and the Bold #124' I accidentally made myself part of DC Continuity!" Brave and the Bold, a magazine which covers celebrity and superhero news/gossip, has denied any connection to Aparo. Aparo's other comment ("Oh my gosh, I'm no longer on Earth-Prime!") has been discarded by investigators as "nonsense."

Meanwhile, Prince Brion of Markovia has ordered that "the USA stop harboring these criminals immediately." He called for both men's release into Markovian custody and promised that they would be given a fair trial. Markov also issued a terse warning when he said that "By my crown, if these men are guilty, then they shall suffer the full wrath of the Markovian people." United States President Lex Luthor rebutted that "Prince Brion is a notorious hothead, and I will not turn over two US citizens until a thorough investigation has been completed."

Funding Approved for "Human Baldness Project"

by Donald Samson - Washington, D.C.

At a ceremony in the White House Rose Garden, President Lex Luthor signed into law a bill creating a new government agency dubbed the "Human Baldness Project." Receiving bipartisan support in Congress, the new agency is charged with finding a cure for male pattern baldness within the next ten years.

"We have mapped the human genome, created flying cars, and vastly improved the quality of life around the world," said President Luthor, the midday sun shining off his own bald pate, "Why can't we cure something as simple as hair loss?"

Luthor told a few personal anecdotes about the self esteem problems he experienced because of his baldness, and then he introduced Dr. Simon LaGrieve, the Senate-approved director of the new agency. In his speech, LaGrieve, the former director of the Institute of Meta-Human Studies, joked that his own receding hairline made him "the perfect candidate for the job." Celebrities such as Bob Hope, Telly Savalas and Patrick Stewart were also in attendance in support of the new legislation.

Across Pennsylvania Avenue on the outskirts of the Mall, however, a small protest was being led by the hero known as Steel. "Bald is beautiful" said the hammer wielding JLA member, "There's nothing wrong with it. In fact, being bald is a lifestyle choice for many men."

J'onn J'onzz, the Martian Manhunter, and Green Arrow Connor Hawke, who were on hand to support their comrade, nodded their agreement. "I don't want hair" asserted J'onzz, "Being bald is the only thing I've ever known. I really don't understand humankind's fascination with it."

The protest group had originally been larger, but Steel explained that many women, who were opposed to such a blatantly gender biased agency, had been placated by Luthor's promise to create "a similar agency seeking to find a cure for varicose veins."

Rocket Reds Redesigned

by Viktor Myanilovich - Moscow

The Rocket Red Brigade, Russia's meta-human defense squad, is receiving a new look for the new Millennium. According to a spokeswoman for Russian President Putin, the new look was designed at the request of Lyudmila Putin, Russia's first lady.

"Those bland red and white outfits have simply got to go" said Mrs. Putin, through an interpreter, "And so does the name. Rocket Reds? We're no longer the Soviet Union, and we should change it to something that reflects the new Russia."

When pressed for details by the gathered members of the media, Mrs. Putin introduced Mari McCabe, a renowned American fashion designer. Ms. McCabe subsequently unveiled preliminary sketches of the new Rocket Red battlesuits.

Consisting entirely of purple colored armor and having a smiling caricature of Mrs. Putin on the left shoulder and President Putin on the right shoulder, members of the press soaked up the spectacle in stunned silence. Only after Mrs. Putin announced that the Rocket Reds would henceforth be known as the "People's Purple Protectors" did an audible murmur of discontent sweep through the audience.

Voicing his opinion that the new designs were the product of "a vodka induced stupor," one prominent Russian journalist was quickly escorted from the building by security guards.

Once footage of the incident and the new designs were shown on national television, President Putin's approval ratings plummeted to all time low levels. Taking a hardline stance that his wife's visions will become reality, Putin ordered that all Rocket Reds immediately turn over their current red and white armor or face punishment and/or expulsion from the brigade.

Led by Dmitri Pushkin, all Rocket Reds have steadfastly refused, and instead, they have formed a picket line outside the Kremlin. The striking heroes have the support of Russia's military and labor leaders.

Mari McCabe has refused to comment on her designs of the armor, and a spokesman from her Paris office asserted that "We gave Mrs. Putin what she wanted. Purple is the 'in' color this year."

When asked of her opinion, American fashion designer and interior decorator Martha Stewart simply said "The public is notoriously inept when it comes to recognizing good taste."

American military officials have refused to comment on the situation directly, only saying that "There are currently no plans to redesign any of the uniforms worn by Checkmate, Knight Watch, or Task Force X."

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