There's Something About Arthur
by Adrian Tullberg
Olympics are on and as a genetic freak, an Australian that has little interest in sport, I've spawned this work when I should be doing something else.
"Watch out! I'm bad!" Aquaman took Kyle's sketchbook and crumpled the papers or he tried to, nobody had told him it's easier to screw up individual papers rather than a 500-sheet pad. He shoved the pad back into Green Lantern's hands, and stalked away.
"What's with him?" stated Kyle.
"How the hell should I know?" muttered Superman, folding up his Daily Planet.
Wonder Woman entered the room. "What's up?"
Wonder Woman took a breath. "If you've finished applying gross generalisations about a perfectly natural feminine state of affairs "
"In case you haven't noticed, we're not too big on Equal Opportunity here. So shut up or you can go to Image."
An odd thumping sound reverberated throughout the chamber.
Wonder Woman sat down with a muttered 'misogynist bastard'. Superman replied with a half-whispered 'frigid dyke'.
Before a sub-vocal slang match could get underway, Green Lantern tried to get back on topic. "Why haven't we given fishboy the bum's rush? If we can kick out DC's biggest selling character, we can give blondie the shaft."
Wonder Woman gave Green Lantern an annoyed glance. "He's just trying to improve his 'tough guy' image ever since his series got cancelled. So if any writer wants a bad-ass character and doesn't want to go crawling to the Bat Editors, he can give Arthur a guest slot."
"So let me get this straight. We kick out a guy who made plans prepared strategies, not did anything to take us down in case we ever threatened human life, but keep on a man who virtually went to war with the United States, the nation that most of our members are citizens of, because some fish were sick?"
Superman passed his newspaper to Wonder Woman, who used the periodical to whack Green Lantern over the head.
"Hey! What was that for?"
"Attempting to use logic in comics!" She hit him again. "And that's for ending a sentence in a preposition!"
Another thumping sound, louder this time.
Superman snatched the paper back sparing Kyle further humiliation. "C'mon! He tried to kidnap Lex Luthor and declared war on Metropolis because of a few fish! I mean do you see Clinton invading a country because somebody annoyed his dog?"
Despite her ire, Wonder Woman gave the matter some thought. "Maybe if the dog was an intern and why are you defending the man who blinded you?"
Green Lantern gave Wonder Woman a 'come-on' look. "Waid's already signed onto another series! After his run, odds are we're going to have to rely on Batman to save our asses again! There's already a movement to bring back Hal Jordan one good excuse and I'm the next cross-over event's 'heroic martyr'! I'm thinking long term here!"
The thumping sound reverberated, along with a muffled curse.
Superman and Wonder Woman stared at him. "What? you don't agree with me?"
"Actually, it's the fact that you formed a coherent sentence." Wonder Woman turned to Superman. "What about you?"
"Batman owns my apartment! If I piss him off any more he'll give the whole building to "
The thumping noise reverberated again, this time followed by a the sound of dead weight collapsing.
Superman got up and went into the anteroom, and saw the Martian Manhunter looking over the prone body of the King of the Seven Seas. There was a massive bruise on Aquaman's forehead, and a blue-and-silver aluminium can in his right hand.
Superman picked up the can of Fosters, then looked at the Martian Manhunter.
"He was trying the 'crush the can on the forehead' trick, wasn't he?"
"Didn't anybody tell him that you traditionally empty the can first?"
"It must have slipped my mind."
Superman shrugged, then set the can back into Aquaman's hand. "How long until we tell him?"
"I think we should let him figure that out by himself."
All characters and scanned artwork are © DC Comics
This story is © 2000 by Adrian Tullberg
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