Today, on Jerry Springer: "You're always ignoring
me for someone who's not even there for you!"
Jerry Springer: They're new, young
heroes who have come from far away! Today you'll meet three couples from
the Legion of Super-Heroes whose romantic lives, since coming to Earth,
have been a real mess!
On his home world, he's a world-class sports star due to his magnetic
and personality! Let's have a warm hand for
(Mild audience applause, a few hoots from women)
Cosmic Boy: Thanks, Jerry.
Jerry Springer: Now, please tell me
about your team. You've been stranded millions of miles from your families,
Cosmic Boy: Ummm
right. Millions of miles. From our families, friends and the rest of our
Jerry Springer: That's right, there
are other Legionnaires somewhere out there. How badly do you miss them?
Cosmic Boy: Very badly. Obviously,
some more badly than others.
(Gasp from audience)
Jerry Springer: What do you mean by
that, Cosmic Boy?
Cosmic Boy: Oh, nothing.
Jerry Springer: (to audience)
Well maybe Cosmic Boy means nothing by it, but I'll bet I can tell you
who knows the meaning of that statement. Allow me to introduce Cosmic
Boy's former fiancee
she's beautiful, she's bodacious, and her brain
can bend barbells. Here's
Jerry Springer: Now, Ms. Saturn Girl,
is it not true that you were engaged to marry Cosmic Boy here?
Saturn Girl: Well, yes, but it wasn't
Jerry Springer: Oh? Then who was it?
Saturn Girl: Well, it was me, sort
of. His mind was comatose, and I wanted so much for him to be okay that
I kind of animated his body mentally.
Jerry Springer: Really! (to
audience) Hey, everybody, isn't that true love?
(Audience roars approval.)
Jerry Springer: So you loved Cosmic
Boy so much that you poured your soul into him, and you got engaged.
Saturn Girl (regretfully):
But he never agreed to be engaged to me. I was kind of manipulating him
like a lifeless puppet.
Jerry Springer (to Cosmic Boy):
And how did you feel about that?
Cosmic Boy: Actually, it wasn't so
bad. I mean, I was engaged to her, wasn't I?
Saturn Girl (to Cosmic Boy):
You wanted that?
Cosmic Boy: Well, you're not exactly
a Gil'Dan worm, you know! I mean, I offered my sanity in order to help
you defeat Doctor Psycho!
Saturn Girl: You did that for the
sake of the team! You're the team leader!
(Cosmic Boy stands up, angrily)
Cosmic Boy: Well, of course I am,
but you never saw me offer to merge my mind with Gates, did you?
(Saturn Girl starts crying)
Jerry Springer: Cosmic Boy, please
tell me about how your engagement ended.
Cosmic Boy: Well, we're right there
outside Legion headquarters, about to recite our wedding vows, when suddenly
she decides she's stuck on Live Wire, a self-centered jerk who can't possibly
be there for her the way I can!
Jerry Springer: Saturn Girl, is this
Saturn Girl (angrily):
Garth is not a jerk! He can't help it of we're stuck one thousand
Cosmic Boy (interrupts):
Millions of miles! Millions of miles!
Jerry Springer: Cosmic Boy, are you
defending your absent rival for Saturn Girl's affections?
Saturn Girl (continuing, despite
away from us. And he's not self-centered!
Jerry Springer: So, Saturn Girl, it's
really Live Wire you're in love with?
Saturn Girl: Yes! He's really kind
and considerate! Not at all like what he (pointing at Cosmic Boy)
Jerry Springer: And Cosmic Boy isn't?
Saturn Girl: I never said that!
Cosmic Boy: Oh, yeah? Than why wouldn't
you marry me?
Saturn Girl: It wouldn't have been
right! (starts crying)
Jerry Springer: Audience, what do
you think? Is she right for throwing over this caring, considerate man,
willing to be her telepathic puppet, for a hot-tempered jerk who couldn't
bother to be marooned with her?
(Audience boos at Saturn Girl)
Saturn Girl: But
Jerry Springer (interrupts):
This is hardly the only mixed-up romance amongst these heroes. Our next
Legion couple begins with someone who's not a Legionnaire at all, but
rather, their police liaison. Ladies and Gentlemen, Officer Shvaughn Erin!
Shvaughn, tell us your problem. Your man is, apparently, stuck on his
Shvaughn Erin: Stuck, nothing. Now
he's even gone and married her. Is that sick, or what?
(Audience applauds this statement)
Jerry Springer: Please, Officer Erin,
start from the beginning.
Shvaughn Erin: Well, there's this
one Legion guy who I like. He had a girlfriend, but she died. So I try
to sympathize. I spend a lot of time with him, showing him that I share
his interests, working on his car, stuff like that
Jerry Springer: Yes
Shvaughn Erin: But he doesn't notice
me at all! He's stuck on the dead one!
Jerry Springer: Now, aren't there
some complications on that issue?
Shvaughn Erin: None that should matter.
Jerry Springer (to audience):
Now that you've heard about him, let's meet the man of Officer Erin's
dreams. Please join us, Ultra Boy!
(Ultra Boy walks onto the stage to wild hoots from the female
members of the audience, with Apparition wafting along behind him.)
"Apparition" by Tracy Paddock
Jerry Springer: Welcome,
Ultra Boy, Apparition. (Shvaughn Erin
seethes at acknowledgment of Apparition.)
Ultra Boy: Glad to be here.
Jerry Springer: Ultra Boy, I'm told
that your relationship with Apparition is a somewhat unusual one.
Ultra Boy: You might say that, wouldn't
Jerry Springer (to Apparition):
Can you speak a little louder, Apparition? My sound techs say they aren't
picking you up.
Apparition (into microphone):
I said, 'Yes, Dear.'
(Jerry Springer looks off-stage, then motions
for the audience to wait. In the mean time, Ultra Boy and Apparition are
looking lovingly at one another, completely oblivious to the daggers in
Shvaughn Erin's stare. To their left, Cosmic Boy is pointedly staring away
from SG, who is crying.)
(Jerry Springer returns)
Jerry Springer: Ultra Boy, my video
and audio technicians are unable to register Apparition's presence. Could
you please tell us all what's unusual about her?
Ultra Boy: She's dead, Jerry.
Jerry Springer: So what we're seeing
is a ghost?
Ultra Boy: I suppose so. You see,
her body was destroyed in our fight against the White Triangle, but somehow
her spirit attached to me out of our love for one another, and she's managed
to survive that way.
Jerry Springer: And now you consider
her your girlfriend even though she's dead.
Ultra Boy: She's still with me, in
Jerry Springer: And you married her.
Ultra Boy: Our love has survived this
whole death thing.
Jerry Springer (to audience):
Now, isn't that something, audience?
(audience claps halfheartedly)
Jerry Springer: Tell me, Ultra Boy,
don't you miss having a real girl around? Someone you can touch?
Ultra Boy: Well, of course I miss
being able to touch Tinya here
Jerry Springer: Yes, that's very nice,
but have you ever considered looking into something more practical than
Ultra Boy (taken aback):
I don't want anyone other than Tinya!
(Apparition smiles. Shvaughn seethes.)
Jerry Springer: What if I told you
that there was a girl in this very studio who'd love to be your girlfriend?
Ultra Boy: I'm a married man!
Shvaughn Erin (losing it):
You are not a married man, for crying out loud! You're a widower! Get
the picture! Buy a clue! She's DEAD, Jo!
Ultra Boy (shocked):
Shvaughn Erin: What, did you think
I spent all that time with you in the garage because I wanted to fix vehicles
and get greasy? You're too big a hunk to waste on a ghost
Apparition (very upset):
Hey, I resent that, you sneaking little hussy!
Shvaughn Erin: Shut up, ghost girl!
How transparent do I have to be? Oh, yeah, you're kind of bent on your
transparent woman, aren't you? Well, I'll show you just how transparent
I can be
Apparition: Don't you dare seduce
my husband, you red-headed whore!
Shvaughn Erin (ignoring her):
Just tell me when I'm good enough, Jo
(Jerry Springer summons Steve, the cop,
to stop her striptease)
Apparition: On your best day, you
wouldn't be good enough. He's my man, got it?
Shvaughn Erin (teeth clenched):
You don't deserve him
(Shvaughn Erin starts punching Apparition,
but Apparition, of course, is intangible and she is unable to land a blow.
Apparition smirks at the futility.)
Jerry Springer (aside, to
crew): Awesome! Are we getting this?
Crew member: It just looks like the redhead is yelling at and swinging
at empty air.
Jerry Springer: Then maybe we'd better
move onto the next segment, before we make fools of ourselves.
(Jerry Springer signals Steve to
restrain Shvaughn Erin)
Jerry Springer: Well, folks, it's
time to meet our third and last Legion couple, in which one of the two
is being ignored for the sake of someone who's not around. This lovely
lady isn't a Legionnaire
yet. She's from around here, began her career
in Metropolis before moving to the tiny town of Leesburg. She's the Maid
(Cheers and hoots from crowd)
Supergirl: Thanks, Jerry.
Jerry Springer: Now, Supergirl, I
understand that you fell for one of these far-from-home heroes yourself.
"Andromeda" by Tracy Paddock
right. But he ignores me because of a crush he has on a girl he likes
back there, named Andromeda.
Jerry Springer: And, wonderful though
you are, why should he drop Andromeda for you, Supergirl?
Supergirl: I'm here for him! I'm just
as big! I'm just as blond! I even like his monkey! And anyway, neither
of them ever told the other that they're in love. Why can't he pick me?
Jerry Springer: Well, that's a question
we'll get to ask
(Crowd silently gawks at Brainiac 5's
green skin, a few awww about the cuteness of Koko the monkey)
Brainiac 5: What's going on here?
I thought this was a symposium for theoretical relativity physicists.
Jerry Springer: Not exactly, but we're
here to examine your relationships. What do you think of Supergirl over
Brainiac 5: I don't understand how
my answering your question is supposed to help get my team home. Cosmic
Boy, what am I doing here?
Cosmic Boy: Gee, Brainy, if you find
yourself in an unfamiliar location, maybe your body was used as a puppet
Jerry Springer: Brainiac, you agreed
to come here, remember? Now please tell us about your relationship with
Brainiac 5: I don't have time for
this. (walks away)
Supergirl (making goo-goo eyes):
Brainy, pleeeeease stay here with me?
Brainiac 5: Homina homina homina
Jerry Springer: Now, that's interesting.
Supergirl, I thought you said he wasn't interested in you.
Supergirl: He's interested in anything
big, blond and busty. But he's really just looking for a mother substitute.
Brainiac 5: I'll thank you to not
air my Oedipus complex in public! Need I remind you of the fact that you
after I saved you from that crazy magic attack?
(Audience expresses disapproval at Supergirl, with one exception.)
Audience Member: You go girl! You can do better than green anyway!
: Hey, what's with the booing? I thought Spark said this
was gonna be fun!
Brainiac 5, Cosmic
Boy and Saturn Girl: SPARK!
Jerry Springer: Well, now that we understand
brought us all together today, I'd like to being in an
expert on gender relations to help you with your relationship problems.
Everyone, let's welcome Dr. John Gray, author of "Men are from Mars,
Women are from Venus"!
(Applause for Dr. Gray)
Jerry Springer: Doctor Gray, thanks
for appearing on our program. Please tell us
Brainiac 5: Doctor Gray, your book
makes no sense. Everyone knows that both the Martian and Venusian colonies
are populated by members of both genders.
Dr. Gray: Come again?
Cosmic Boy: Brainy! Ixnay on the uturefay
Saturn Girl: Also, Doctor Gray, I'm
quite insulted that you're too Earth-centric to consider that some of
the planets that are farther away are important as well. The Saturnian-Titanian
community is one of the most vital in the Solar System
Dr. Gray (turning to her):
Brainiac 5: Surely you don't mean
to imply that convergent asexual evolution produced a pair of biologically
compatible species which eventually became the Earthling human race, do
you? That theory was discredited back in
Dr. Gray (getting up and walking
out): Forget it! Jerry, I knew I didn't want to deal with super-heroes
again after that "Batman's girlfriends" catfight. I must have
been crazy to let you talk me into sitting in on this one.
Jerry Springer: Well, folks, We've
come to the end of our show, and it's time for my "Final Thought."
We've learned something important here today, haven't we? Too many people
refuse to let go of what they could no longer hold on to. Trying to travel
back to the past just isn't possible. The support of those in the present
who love you can help. If you can't be with the one you love, love the
one you're with. See you next time!
Letters Editor Chaim Mattis Keller, aka Legion-Reference-File
Lad, is a computer programmer who lives in New York City with his wife and